What does it mean to me to be recovered? An everlasting sense of contentment within my mind and body. In this journey of mine, a journey that has had me fight back and forth for over 10 years now, I have come to peace with myself that this was the path I had chosen early on and was supposed to take in life. No regrets and no self pitying moments were going to succomb to ED. This was my work and mine only. Which in a way was special, the one person that I know I could count on was myself, not ED. I was the one who sought out treatment, I was the one who chose to kick him in the butt. Knowing this information about myself, meant that I was a lot stronger than I had originally lead on. Recovery meant that I had to take advantage of this sense of being within myself and work, work hard and never give up.
It started at a very young age. Growing up in a vanity stricken environment where thin always meant something wonderful or as I have come to learn the language of the insecure people, " you look great!" actually meant "I wish I was as thin as you." I was like a sponge growing up, literally a sponge, absorbing anything and everything my parents, brothers and my peers did. I caught on quick to what popularity was. I caught on quick to what beauty looked like and caught on quick to what respect and disrespect sounded like. When it came to food, I learned real fast what made you lose weight. Anorexia gave me everything I wanted minus the horrible anxiety that came with it but that was something I suffered from during my painfully shy years early on anyway. There was nothing that would bring me down not until Bulimia became a part of my life during the end of my highschool years. That's when ED became such a big part of my life that I brought it to work, skipped class and distanced myself from my friends. To me bulimia was the devil and anorexia was an angel. Bulimia made me a different person, made me experience negative emotions like I have never experienced before and it brought into a deeper pit of hatred for myself. I tell you what, it does something to a persons already damaged spirit and ego. I made moves fast to get help and commence my first experience in treatment. Although it taught me a lot and helped me breakthrough one layer of my guarded wall, it wasn't going to break my strong hold on ED. I got better enough to leave my family and start a new life in a new city away from family and the toxic environment that I grew up in influencing my eating disorder. At this point, I could barely still admit that this was my life. Starting a new life, meeting new friends and attending a new school helped me forget about ED most of the time. He was not on my radar 100% out of my day, I could live my life a little easier. I thank ED in a way during this time because he helped me multitask and work hard so in essence I was a functioning addict; working, going to school, dating and still having ED on my mind occasionally. It wasn't until I started my new job that ED took over rapidly and a close time to when I was at my worst, crying uncontrollably and actively participating in ED at work and school. I dropped weight way too fast and had a break down, I had to go to treatment again but I knew i couldn't go back home since I was surrounded by triggering conversations everyday.With a brother who used to think curves meant you were fat and a mother with an under the table active eating disorder, I had to do this on my own. I found a safe haven in a treatment center that changed my life. I found things that didn't make sense before, made total sense now and it meant that I was living a life that didn't feel real like it does now for almost my whole life. I became angry which if you knew me, I never get angry or never show it at least and I also became somewhat resentful. I knew this was my next work that overcoming a life of fear of commitment and confrontation was going to help me overcome ED once and for all. Along with that realization, I knew that recovery may be a life long thing and I still think that way. That everyday is my work and mine only. It has helped me make some of the closest relationships that I can trust and it can never be taken away from me. That more than anything gives me a healthy mind and a healthy heart.
